Little Star's Realm
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Big Girls Don't Cry
When excitement and curiosity are all gone, you begin to miss the people you left behind. You subsequently evoke the significant memories of the past and deliberately remember the almost implausible routine you get accustomed to. You will discover that excitement and curiosity are also fleeting. And I just did. I am too old and naive not to foresee this inevitable effect. Too late for me to come up with such realizations. Too soon for me to feel homesickness because I have left my comfort zone. The place I used to consider my second home. My former workplace. Perhaps people will not believe me for considering it as one but it is true. It has become a vital arena of my endeavors because that place has given me the chance to meet important people who have touched and influenced my life. People I have regarded as my inspiration, source of confidence and happiness. Why? Because the kind of friendship I have were undoubtedly sincere and candid. And even before I finally decided to leave…some people explicitly told me how much they're going to miss my presence which makes me very nostalgic & longing in every mention of that place. They could have become closer to me if I just stayed. Moreover, that place molded me as an artist when I started with less experience and has brought me where I am now.
Where am I now? I honestly don’t know. I can not see anything on the horizon. I gambled and took the risk of entering a new world. Before, I used to tell myself that this is what I want. I really wanted to enter that world but when I got in, I started to question myself. Is this what I really want? Would this really make me happy and satisfied? I just can’t give any answer. For how long I will wander in obscurity…I really have no idea.
This is my latest post for almost two months. Barely two months of mixed emotions that’s why I cannot compose a very sensible statement of my present state. Now I wanted to recall what I wrote 4 years ago when I posted on my first journal the struggles upon entering into a new world. Questions on how I can prove myself as an artist. How I can improve my craft. How I can develop my creativity and show the world that I can survive in the ocean filled with fishes trying to find their niche.
I am undergoing the same dilemma again. People who knew me are aware that for some reasons, I do not easily open up. I do not easily get out of my shell. Again, this is a struggle I have to deal with myself. There’s no one to depend on. No one to ask for help because at this moment, in my present world… I still don’t know whom to trust. Will they pull me up? Or will they pull me down?
I am all by myself.
I have made the decision all by myself. No one else to blame and there is no turning back. Though there are bus rides and train rides that leave me teary-eyed while staring at the window and remembering all those hard habits to break. But I have to move on with my life because…big girls don’t cry.
Where am I now? I honestly don’t know. I can not see anything on the horizon. I gambled and took the risk of entering a new world. Before, I used to tell myself that this is what I want. I really wanted to enter that world but when I got in, I started to question myself. Is this what I really want? Would this really make me happy and satisfied? I just can’t give any answer. For how long I will wander in obscurity…I really have no idea.
This is my latest post for almost two months. Barely two months of mixed emotions that’s why I cannot compose a very sensible statement of my present state. Now I wanted to recall what I wrote 4 years ago when I posted on my first journal the struggles upon entering into a new world. Questions on how I can prove myself as an artist. How I can improve my craft. How I can develop my creativity and show the world that I can survive in the ocean filled with fishes trying to find their niche.
I am undergoing the same dilemma again. People who knew me are aware that for some reasons, I do not easily open up. I do not easily get out of my shell. Again, this is a struggle I have to deal with myself. There’s no one to depend on. No one to ask for help because at this moment, in my present world… I still don’t know whom to trust. Will they pull me up? Or will they pull me down?
I am all by myself.
I have made the decision all by myself. No one else to blame and there is no turning back. Though there are bus rides and train rides that leave me teary-eyed while staring at the window and remembering all those hard habits to break. But I have to move on with my life because…big girls don’t cry.
posted by li'l star at 11:46 PM
1 Comments:
*sobs
Every step in life is sealed with decision, and its either you make it or you break it... you may be alone in threading on the direction you want, but remember that we are just a step behind you... and when you look forward to your dream with uncertainty, try to turn your head around and call out our name...
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